#also in the dream it's completely unrelated but one of my friends online were super nice to me!

[koka-mi]

I had a dream about me being in a collab cover with some guy from good omens and two other ppl xD we sang overmaster from idolmaster and I was pretty young (around the time I started covers sooo 11-12??)

Weird tho idk anything about good omens I've never watched the show nor do I plan to—at least the cover got popular bcz the guy from good omens was in it BAHAHEJA

[chibipika]

Oh my god, I’m digging through old files on my backup harddrive and I found this dream from 2011 in which me, @antialiasis, and a baby dragon are on the run from The King of Everything.  It is absolutely batshit and I love it:

Okay, so for some reason I was hanging out with Dragonfree.  What the hell, subconscious?  Why do you always stick my online acquaintances into my dreams?  (I think it’s a side effect of that time in my life where all I had were online friends and the fanfic forum was pretty much my entire life, even though that was like 6 years ago.)  But at least this time it sort of makes sense—I’ve been working on an off on the Ouen dragons piece a lot lately, adding little touches here and there when I’m bored, so people often ask me what it is, so I frequently launch into explanations of, “Oh hey there’s this writer with a cool fanfic, and I’m doing fanart of it.”  “Hey what’s it about?”  “Well, it’s kind of hard to explain the plot because it’s basically an awesome reworking of silly ideas from when she was 12.” “ROFL THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU.” “Erm….yeah.  -_-“

Okay then, random tangent aside I was hanging out with Dragonfree I guess.  No explanation given.  At least my dream self wanted an explanation, though never actually got one.  I was at my home house instead of my school house which makes slightly more sense (If I were European I’d sooner visit the US East coast/NY area than the friggin Midwest.)

Kay, I swear the plot was awesomely detailed and amazing but now it is starting to sound really silly and I’m not sure why I’m writing it down. Dangit.  It started out like...pretty mediocre at my house (or what was supposed to be my house but looked nothing like it, what.)  I think there was some subplot involving something going wrong with her website (some of the layouts weren’t working which was apparently a sign of someone currently stealing things from it?  What??? Also one of the styles was really cool and best described as a matrix Articuno.  YES.)  I dunno. And then there was a hilarious part where my sister walked though the kitchen into the computer room and said something like “When did Beth get here?”  And I’m like “Wtf, that’s not Beth.”  But then I walked into the room and it was. (So now Beth was somehow at my house too?  How did all these people get here?)  Dragonfree was in fact back in the kitchen on the computer that was for some reason there (no, not my laptop…a random desktop in the kitchen), and Beth did not appear for the entire rest of the dream. *shrug*  Though amusingly at this point I wondered, “Hey since this isn’t the internet, should I call you Dragonfree or by your real name?”  but never actually asked it.  So I went the whole dream without addressing her by any name (not as weird as it sounds—I don’t use people’s names often.)

But all of this random crap quickly derailed into something involving DRAGONS HOLY CRAP.  Okay, so I actually can’t remember how the dragons plotline started dang.  I think there were like, different types of dragons (one for each element?  This was completely unrelated to Pokémon, however. In fact, I don’t think anything Pokémon ever came up, other than that random bit about her site.  I don’t have Pokémon dreams often.  What the hell, subconscious.)  I think we had the earth dragon or something except I guess it was a baby.  And then like, the queen of the world ordered the dragons (she had a lot of them I think) to kill people, except each dragon’s power was only effective on certain people, and the Earth dragon was supposed to kill us.  I think I ran and hid in a bush (yeah…because that would save me from the elemental dragon…) but since the Earth dragon was just a baby its power didn’t kill us (and I was confused about why the other dragons’ attacks didn’t hurt because I didn’t know about the whole only-effective-on-certain-people thing).  So then I emerged from my hiding place and I think a lot of time had gone by because I saw the events in a slow, limited-animation cutscene type thing (hey…sorta like that game concept art my group’s been planning.)  Well the earth dragon was now an adult.  I met up with Dragonfree at some sort of dessert table where a servant was putting together sweets for the king.  Things like chocolate covered pretzels and bananas. I guess I felt like trolling the king or something, so I stole one of the chocolate bananas, and then we ended up having the guards sent after us (yeah, way to go dream self.)  We hopped on a train (like an old style steam engine) except it was rather small, and intended for little kids.  Well lo and behold my youngest sister was there.  We rode on the train for a bit until my sister climbed on top to check something and was doing it all very not-carefully like someone who has totally climbed on top of a train and started opening hatches a hundred times in their life.  Well something went wrong and then she fell off and got tangled in some vines and then the train tried to go through an insanely small tunnel and started shrinking, so we had to get off.  And then we found the earth dragon!  Except he was a baby again OKAY THEN.

(Thus far there hasn’t been much dialogue only because I can’t remember it.  Everyone was actually talking a lot more than this implies. They weren’t all just standing there.) Also I think I spent most of the dream wondering when Dragonfree was going to go back home.  Because “oh yeah we’re on adventure and running for our lives, but hey please don’t leave in the middle of all this I wanna hang out some more.” Uh huh.  This makes even less sense when you consider that there are no countries and the king of everything is after us.

Well this time the queen was there with the guards so we ran away into this sort of maze of stairs vaguely like a kids’ play area except kind of more serious business.  Some of the stairs were in fact escalators that were broken down, and others were so small that we had to slide down then and we were doing pretty good at avoiding the guards.  We all regrouped and figured out a way onto the third floor, at which point we were feeling pretty clever, but then WE RAN INTO THE QUEEN OH SNAP.  But she was actually on our side the whole time! I think this made more sense in the dream (maybe she knew the earth dragon wouldn’t kill us with its attack? But what about all the people killed by the king’s fire dragon?)  Well she did something to the stair area to prevent the guards from getting through while she made a deal with us.  So then we had the queen with us, yay?

We were now heading up a mountain!  I have no idea what we were looking for at the top.  Except first we had to go though some sort of summer-camp type area, where they made us go though inspection (okay?)  This involved pushing us under streams of water which I thought were going to be freezing but were actually kind of warm.  Kay then.  During the next part we were all in a building (at the camp I guess) and a bunch of the campers were watching tv. At this point I thought to myself “Hey it’s weird how this dream is still continuing even though I’m awake.” WHAT?  So I thought this part was real, but I was still dreaming it…even though it was real?  Now, there have been times I’ve been able to continue a dream while awake and have it actually fit in the dream, as opposed to the lame crap you usually try to add to a dream shortly after awakening until you realize “wait my logic works now and this is stupid.”  But anyways…I think around this point was I finally going to ask Dragonfree, “Hey we’ve been running all over a crazy kingdom all day and I’m still not sure what to call you since this isn’t the internet and all.”  But at that point I woke up.  Well…damn.  I mean, it’s better than when you have a dream end at a super-suspenseful point (since we were kind of just wasting time at a camp and I don’t even think the earth dragon was with us anymore).  But still I felt the need to go run and grab my laptop and start writing all this down and highly confusing my roommates in the process.

And holy crap LOOK HOW MUCH I WROTE IN HALF AN HOUR.  Why can’t I write my fic this fast?

[mcjour]

ahhhhhhhhh

ok so i’ve been applying all over for jobs which is such a horrible process. hate writing cover letters and filling in employment history and then having to talk to strangers and bla bla bla

SO

anyway i had TWO interviews this week!

the first one was for the district in the next town over. i didn’t apply to any jobs that i wouldn’t be happy at, but honestly it’s probably a last choice in the sense that it pays significantly less than anywhere else in the area. Just $15/hr. which isn’t the WORST i’ve seen, but still... not great.. at all...

but i went and interviewed with an assistant principal and she was very nice and made her schools seem really great! like i walked away being like ok i kinda wanna work here LOL. 

i think the interview went well overall. but... in retrospect there are definitely some questions i could’ve answered a lot better than i did. maybe some cringey answers. BUT also nothing i would consider BAD either, if that makes sense. Like certainly not the best job I could’ve done, but overall felt satisifed. I mean, I also need to be fair to myself that this was my first interview in years, and after (well, during) a freaking pandemic, and after leaving my last job in such a traumatic way. And like just anxiety in general! So like, yes I definitely could have done a lot better, but considering I left feeling satisfied, like I am proud of myself for how it went really. 

Plus, she seemed responsive and interested in what I was saying, which seems like a good sign? But like she totally just could’ve been a nice lady with a poker face LOL

Do I think I will get an offer??? Ehhhhhh..... I guess it depends on how many other applicants/ open positions. Like, I could see it going either way. I definitely didn’t bomb the interview, so I wouldn’t say an automatic no. But I could definitely imagine other people could have interviewed much better than I did. And if they were only looking to fill one position, well, I’m out. 

And so, like I said, since they pay the least amount of money, like, I wouldn’t be super hurt if I didn’t get the offer. Like I hope to get a better position so like I’m hoping I wouldn’t end up there anyway! But, if I did get the offer, maybe I’d take it....

Anyway, the interview was Monday and she did say they were aiming for this week ~either way~ and now tomorrow (today) is Friday, so I wonder if I will hear back (either way) today

My second interview...... 

So after my first interview, I made sure to practice extra hard. I mean, I did practice for the first interview a lot too (meaning coming up with different stories/ scenarios for frequently asked questions), but after that one I was like “oh I could’ve said something better for that question” sort of a thing.

So I had all these great stories lined up and ready to go and I was so ready to use them and make me sound great

But.... she didn’t ask any questions like that!!!!!!! 

They were really such flat questions like “what do you do if 8 students need your help?” “you might be pulled to sub is that ok?” like HUH????????????

How am I supposed to make myself sound good with questions like that LMAOOOOOO

(and... how is she supposed to make a decision with questions like that LOL)

But honestly, I did do a good job, I think. Like I think I gave solid answers to every question, don’t think I said anything too cringey or anything. The pulled to sub question could easily have been a flop if I was just like “yeah” (LOL) but I told a story about how my partner teacher would disappear and i would take over the class on the fly. that kind of a thing. was proud of that.

so i walked out feeling pretty confident.

okay plus she started interviews on wednesday (mine was that day). she said she had two more the following day (which made it seem like mine was the last of the day). and then would hope to get back to people on friday. (AHHHHH! I FIND OUT TOMORROW/ TODAY).

and so i was kinda doing the math where i was like okay... my interview was at 1:30pm... she couldn’t have had TOO many before me....  she must’ve allowed herself a lunch break at some point, and when i got to the school she was finishing up a completely unrelated math meeting online. so she must’ve not just been doing interviews that whole time. i wanna say maybe max 6 other interviews that day if she started around 9, went to 12, one every half hour. but i am doubting that she packed them in like that, like i said. but that would make 9 applicants MAX, probably less. And she said there were 3 open positions across both her schools. and she asked if i wanted to be considered for both schools. So that gives me a 1 in 3 chance (or better depending on the actual number of applicants! maybe 1 in 2 chance lol. or if any of the applicants did not want to be considered for both jobs, but one vs the other). so i was feeling pretty good!!!! like decent ratio and a good interview things are looking good! (i mean you hear about jobs that get hundreds of applicants for a single position! these odds are p good!)

BUT still like i wish she asked me different questions. i don’t feel like i fully really expressed who i am to her. like if she had asked me more than i would’ve felt more confident that she would have seen more of my strengths and stuff. like i said, the questions she did ask were kinda flat, and while i think i answered them well, i wasn’t given a lot to work with. that said, i assume she asked the same questions to everyone, so i assume everyone else kinda had that issue, so idk how she is making a decision based off that!

especially given this: i gave her a copy of my resume and she said she really appreciated that because the website the district uses for the applications like is hard to use or messes things up or somehting. which, okay. that worries me a little bit... because i hope she can access my cover letter, my references, etc... because those add a LOT to the picture. like LMAO if she went off of my interview and resume alone...well...ew. i really hope she logs back in and reviews the WHOLE application.

So i’m kinda thinking ewwwwww maybe there was more I could’ve done somehow idk

LOL maybe print out my entire packet HAHA

jk would that have been weird? I would’ve felt weird. but maybe she would’ve liked that haha

the first interview lady actually had all of my stuff printed for the interview (i offered her a resume copy and she’s like oh i actually printed it myself and she had like this thick packet of ALL the stuff)

idk i really loved this school. like on paper it seemed perfect for many reasons, and then when i spoke to the principal it still seemed great, maybe even better than i thought. so like UGH this is my dream school. i want this job so bad! but like, i’m afraid to allow myself to get excited about it. like ... i don’t want to be disappointed. also like just in general there is no need for me to romanticize a JOB 

okay right after the interview i felt so confident like omg yes i am so excited and i am going to get this job!!!! but now the next day i am like... ugh... no way will i get this job... i never get anything i want, so the rejection is inevitable... like... can there really be no healthy middle thinking for me jfc. 

i will say there was one red flag in that i was like oh it seems like you have a very tight knit community here and shes like oh yes we are like a family! and like !!!! those are some red flag words honey!!!!! don’t say that. but like.... idk how to describe it. it felt genuine and not exploity? not that you can tell that from an interview. but like it seems like everyone has been working there forever and loves it kind of a thing. i mean, if i get the job, i won’t let my guard down on that shit. but it’s not concerning enough to stop me either.

one thing i am a LITTLE worried about is that idk when this lady planned on checking references (if at all). like did she do that thursday or is she planning on friday? because part of me secetly hoped that she would call my references today and they would’ve texted me being like omg! but they didn’t. and so that is kinda like “...oh.” But like i said, she very well could be calling tomorrow. ALSO worth considering is that two of my 3 references actually uploaded letters into the system. So she really doesn’t even ~need~ to call them unless she had specific questions (or wanted to talk to the 3rd reference LOL). so like... i really do not need to be stressing out about this specific thing at all... and yet....

also.... ugh... there are stuff that are just about me that i worry about. like ok, i am visibly queer with a shaved head. while i’d hope that an interviewer would not be prejudiced.... they easily could be. there really aren’t enough queer people in education, it’s a very homogenous field of straight, often wealthy, white women. i do have white privilege but otherwise i really don’t fit the image, so idk. also one of my references did use they/them pronouns in their reference letter and i feel like that could be a huge red flag to someone. granted i suppose i wouldn’t want to work for someone like that, and i also don’t care enough to asks my friend to misgender me, but still, it’s something i wonder about. another thing is that i talk with my hands a lot, and i am sure i did even more given that i was nervous......... i don’t think that is an issue necessarily but i was definitely self conscious about it like geez i hope i wasn’t waving my hands out of control LOL. and then another thing is that i HATE eye contact, like i just can’t do it. And I think I did a great job of holding eye contact, all things considered. but I definitely did look away a bit, particularly when i was thinking. I think it was fine and not an unreasonable amount of looking away, but now i am getting paranoid like oops maybe i looked away too much or something!!! i mean, i would hate if a job offer came down to something trivial like that, but... idk

another thing i wonder is the other applicants. like i said before.. it doesn’t really matter if i am a great applicant, it doesn’t guarantee anything if there was someone even slightly better. doesn’t mean i suck or anything. of course, that still wouldn’t take the sting off. ANYWAY the part i wonder most about though is where are these other people applying? by that i mean like what if my first choice school is actually someone else’s last choice school? do the other applicants also have other interviews and offers to weigh? So like, what if she offers someone a job but they are like sorry no thanks (for whatever reason, whether they accepted another position elsewhere, saw a red flag in the interview, or whatever it may be). like what if i was 4th choice for the 3 positions or something. would the job go to me?? when would i find this out? like, it’s weird to state that you will find out friday ~either way~ when i feel like you would need some time for the other people to accept (god forbid the call goes to voicemail even!). like i feel like most jobs wouldn’t be like “you’re waitlisted” LOL (i will say i did get a job off a waitlist once so i know it’s possible, but that doesn’t seem likely here LOL). maybe she didn’t say friday either way, and just ~friday~. maybe friday is for acceptances and flat out rejections and if you don’t hear friday you’re waitlisted LOL. or maybe she said she would make the decision fridayy but that doesn’t mean she’s actually reaching out friday? (ok i doubt she said that LOL)

plus are we talking like oh first thing friday she’s making the calls or is she gonna pull at 4:59pm thing like a lot of places do LOL. I don’t think that makes sense but maybe? I mean, when she offered me an interview, the time stamp on the email said like 8:39am or some shit, so i think this lady is on the ball in the mornings. but like i said, maybe she is still tying it all together friday morning, after all, she is moving through this very fast. 

hopefully i hear good news today but i guess we will just  wait and see.

if it’s only bad/no news, there are still some schools i haven’t heard from, and some more i can apply to. i just want to wrap this process up sooner rather than later.

lastly, i need to remember if worst comes to worse, i could always apply to my old school (meaning the one i worked at before, not the one i attended lol. although i guess i could also apply there, i just don’t like the position they have open right now). i am pretty dang sure they would take me (they always need somebody!) plus i know the ropes, know i would be happy and fit in there (not to mention my friends are there LOL). i hope it doesn’t come to that, after all the pay SUCKS lol. but it’s not world ending if i don’t get the jobs.

[the--concertmaster]

Mormon Headcanons

Ok... So since I literally needed only one person to be interested in hearing my headcanons, I’m gonna post them! Thanks @bookofbway!

Alright... I’m gonna start with James Church, because he doesn’t get enough love. 

THIS IS GONNA START OF REAL SAD. 

James wasn’t originally a Mormon, since due to his upbringing, I seriously doubt his parents were Mormons.

His mum died when he was still young, (probably about 10) from something unrelated to his dad, a car accident or something. (I’m sorry!)

Afterwords, due to the shock of losing his wife, his dad went sober and tried to concentrate on bringing his son up right. 

James never forgave his father for the way he treated him and his mother. 

Mormon missionaries came knocking at their house one day, and James chose to convert as he found it comforting the idea that his mother had went to a better place and that in latter days he could spend eternity with her. 

He also liked the idea of going on a mission to help others, and also liked the idea of being able to get away from his dad for 2 years. 

James was a track runner at school, and although he was sporty, found his passion more in the arts. 

He is an amazing sketch artist and enjoys writing short stories and poetry. 

He’s more serious and sombre than the other Mormon’s in Ugnada, but tries to act cheerful and bright (and turn it off). 

He really liked Chris, because he felt he could relate to him since Chris had lost his sister. (also Poptarts was extremely adorable.)

He has messy black hair, and wears large square framed glasses.

Is the tallest and strongest out of all the Missionaries in Uganda.  OK! Now for poptarts

Enjoys dancing as it’s his way of remembering and commemorating his sister. 

Has an extreme fear of his friends and family dying on him. 

Will never end a conversation on a negative note and always tries to say goodbye to his friends and family when leaving, just in case he never sees them again. 

Loves everything sweet. 

Poptarts was his sisters favourite food. 

He has no formal dance training, but is quite good since his sister taught him how too (and then Mckinley afterwords)

He originally had a crush on his Mission Companion, Elder Mckinley, before he started to develop feelings for James Because James listened to him and understood his pain of loosing his sister rather than just telling him to turn it off. (Also James was hot af, and muscular and...) 

He’s definitely the shortest and cutest of all the Elders

He has a Teddy bear that he took with him to Uganda, and will protect at all costs. 

He loves looking at James art and reading his stories. 

He is Bi (and no-one can tell me otherwise) MCKINLEY!!!!!!

Ok so, Mckinley defintely is the eldest child with 2 younger sisters, so he knows how to be authoritative and control and lead people. 

He took tap classes, literally right up to the time where he left for Uganda.

His sisters were somewhat jealous that Connor is a better dancer than them.

But his sisters also stood up for him to his arents and peers saying that pink is a perfectly normal colour for a boy to like and that they should break gender stereotypes and stop calling him gay. Connor appreciates them for this. 

He was definitely bullied in year 5 for how close he was to his friend Steve and all through highschool people would accuse him of being gay. 

He started dating a female friend of his, to try to make others believe that he was straight. The relationship didn’t last very long though. 

He totally got all the lead roles in the school plays, and sometimes did performance is the Community theatre musicals. 

He is an excellent singer and had also taken vocal lessons from a young age. 

He was also a very strong leader within theatre groups he was part off and often organised mini performances around their community with them. 

Connor may seem friendly and nice, but don’t ever cross him or undermine his authority, he will wring your neck. 

He’s never seen a prettier Boy with more perfect hair than Elder Price. 

It broke his heart to have to ditch Elder Price in Uganda and leave with Elder Cunningham and the other Elder’s, but since he was pushing down his emotions, and trying to be a good Mormon on his Mission it’s what he choose to do. 

He cared more about making the other Elder’s happy, and creating a friendly community among them, than converting the Africans, thus why they literally had no baptisms. 

As soon as they went off-grid with their mission, he immediately got a TV and gaming system installed withing their lodging to entertain the Elders. 

Him and Poptarts crush at Just Dance. 

He literally holds a karaoke night once a month at the Missionary. 

He was actually very surprised (and pleased) to find out Elder Price was gay

Once he did come out completely, he was very open with his affections towards Kevin (which Kevin often got embarrased about) 

Falsettos is totally his favourite musical. He especially loves Whizzer.  ALRIGHT! ARNOLD CUNNINGHAM

Always had the best imaginative writing at school. 

Writes a ton of Fanfiction, and reads them too. 

Has heaps of OC’s.

Bit of a loner at school too, never really had any friends. 

Extremely popular online though.

Had a huge Tumblr following on his blogs about Star Wars, LOTR etc.

Has heaps of Fan theories too. 

Totally Vlogs. 

Cosplays as well. Goes to all the conventions.

Dreams of being able to go to San Diego Comic Con

He has Irlens Syndrome, which is one of the reasons why he didn’t read the Book of Mormon, becuase it was actually difficult for him to read it. 

His father literally thinks of him as a freak due to all his obsessions and fanboying. 

His mother dotes on him though and adores him for the person he is. 

He always wants his fathers approval though, which is why he decided to go on a mission. 

He genuinely wants to do good in the world and make others happy, and will do anything to help others, even if he doesn’t get anything from it. 

He forces Kevin to Cosplay with him on Halloween. He goes as Han Solo and Kevin goes as Luke Skywalker.

He holds a halloween party and costume party in Uganda for all the Elders and Africans.

He also makes a Leia costume for Naba, which she loves, despite not really knowing too much about Star Wars. 

All the Elders end up loving the little quirks about Arnold in the end, and have a great deal of Respect for him, since he’s so kind hearted.

He’s never been happier than he was in Uganda. 

He still admires and loves Kevin after everything they went through.  AND FINALLY THE MOST PERFECT MAN ON EARTH (AND I WILL FIGHT PEOPLE OVER THIS) KEVIN PRICE. I literally love him so much though.

Kevin grew up in a really strict household. 

He’s the second oldest of all his siblings, with an older sister and three younger brothers. 

He always feels that he has to compete against his siblings to be seen as the best, and to do so, tried to do literally nothing wrong. 

His favourite sibling is his Brother Jack, who is just a year younger than him, because Jack worships and admires Kevin and he rather likes that. He also still feels super guilty for blaming him for eating that donut

Him and all his siblings all took piano lesson. 

Kevin is actually very good at piano, but not as good as his older sister, which always really bugged him because he wanted to be the best at everything. 

Straight A student. 

Literally had no time for relationships throughout school since he was too busy trying to make everyone like him, as well as being a good mormon, getting good grades, playing piano well. 

Didn’t realise till he was in Uganda that he was gay.

He never really though about relationships, or had sexual thoughts till he was in Uganda since he was always so busy.

He had a very meticulously planned schedule. 

He absolutely adores everything Disney and Pixar, loves happy endings and cries every time Mufasa dies. 

His favourite Movie is actually Toy Story, since he finds Woody relatable. 

Reads all Arnolds fanfictions. Feruses to admit that he actually enjoys them.

Actually loves and respects his best friend, Arnold, since he truly hasn’t ever had a true best friend before. 

Sings disney songs during Mckinley’s Karaoke nights. 

Everyone is shocked that Kevin can sing. 

Kevin is shocked by his own singing voice. 

He loves how touchy Mckinley is, but is a little embarrassed by it. 

Absolutely adores Mckinley for everything he is. 

Once he realised he was gay, was actually reasonably open about it, since he never really understood why it was bad withing mormonism anyway.

Takes hour long showers to make sure his hair is perfect

Loves dogs. Like really loves dogs OK! SO THOSE ARE MY HEADCANONS ON THE ELDERS!

[theramblingonesie]

Uniting in Anger

Last week, I finally sat down to watch the highly-recommended comedy special, “Nanette” by Hannah Gadsby.

It was so good.

Seriously. Go watch it. This human has an excellent brain, and her messages are super important.

But of course, this wouldn’t be my blog if I wasn’t complaining about something, right?  

The end of “Nanette” kind of broke my heart. For the entire hour +, I was along for the ride, hanging off of every word she said, raising my fist at the TV in solidarity and support.  And then she just….dumped me.

I do want to take a quick timeout to honor that celebrities and public figures are people, too.  Not deities.  You will disagree sometimes, and that’s totally okay.

Nonetheless, I was sad.

At the end of her special, she closes by saying that we must no longer unite in anger, even if that anger comes from a place of love.  But the way she spoke about anger did not sound like the anger I know.  The anger she spoke of sounded more like hate and self-loathing.  I kept saying, “yes, I agree, but I don’t think we use that word the same way, and you’re really breaking my heart right now. Please, please don’t spread this with those specific words; it’s so unhealthy.”

I agree with her, to an extent.  The actions many take out of anger are quite unhealthy, and no, we should not unite over that.  Hate crimes start with anger.  But so do human rights movements.  So let’s be a little more clear—

Anger is simply saying, “nope. This is no good.”  Anger saves lives. Anger creates boundaries and containers for healthy, respectful relationships.

When anger is told that it is not allowed to exist, or that it’s the only thing in charge, the human brain goes into wild places, because anger never disappears.  If it isn’t allowed its own channel, it’ll just go hide behind some other emotions or impulses.  That’s when we get stuck in rage, fear, willful ignorance, prejudice, unrelenting sadness, and terrible violence.  Anger says, “I will keep you safe”.  And when you say “go away, anger”, your brain says, “oh shit…now I’m not safe. OVERCOMPENSAAAAAATE!!!” That could be shutting down, dissociating, or lashing out.

It breaks my heart when people conflate anger and hatred.  We are in this mess to begin with because of our misinformed ideas of anger, and the vast efforts to destroy it, particularly for anyone of a marginalized demographic.  Unless, of course, one’s anger can be used against them by those who seek to oppress them.  Consider, for example, this need in our white-supremacist society to hold on to the stereotype of an angry black woman or a violently angry black man to justify racially motivated injustice, and excuse oneself from personal accountability.

Control a person’s ability to stand up for themselves, and you control their entirety.

When I heard Hannah’s words and desires around stopping anger, I knew what she meant.  She was exhausted, and sick to death of bullshit. She no longer wanted to see people hurting themselves or others.  She wants to live in a world that doesn’t hurt.  She wants people to join together in joy, love, pleasure, and benevolent laughter.

This is what I heard between her words. And yes.  Yes, yes, yes, YES to all of this.

But we’re not there yet. We have to work toward that, because we’re so far down and lost that it’s going to take a lot of strong effort by every single person on this planet to do better, to hope for better, to believe in better.  So right now we’re angry.  We need to get angry for things to change.  Not hateful.  Just angry.

In my interview with Aepril Schaile, she mentions that she came across the theory that anger is actually a form of optimism, because in order for a person to be angry, they have to believe that things could, or should, be different.  Apathy and acceptance, I believe, are the greatest dangers to modern social progress.

Think about it—when you’re in a failing relationship and you fall out of love, you fight less, right? Because at the end of the day, you’re just like, “ugh. Whatever. I don’t even like you. I’ll say whatever you want to hear so you just go away.  Fuck my life.”

Or when you’re at a job that is zapping the life out of you, but you don’t believe you have any other options, so you just whither away for years getting kicked in the shins by your miserable boss, setting the timer on Monday for when you can finally go get blackout drunk on Friday before it all starts over again.

Anger, instead, looks like telling your partner that you love yourself, that you deserve better, and that you’re not going to put up with getting screamed at or degraded.

Anger looks like going to HR to report that your co-worker put his hand on your ass for the last time.

Anger looks like asking a child who’s locked out and sobbing in front of his house if he’s okay.

 We NEED to unite in anger.

Not hate.

 When I started The Scarlet Tongue Project, I felt completely isolated in my anger.  I was silenced, told I was crazy, told I was scary, told I was weak, awkward, quiet, etc.  I wasn’t allowed to use my anger, so I had no idea how to use it when it inevitably came up.  Most of the advice I got was to chill or “let it go”.  Rarely did anyone pause to consider what might be on fire inside of me that was causing this.  At that time, conversations on anger were not flooding in online like they are now, nor were they happening in my various communities of friends.  Now you can’t even flutter your eyes open in the morning without being smacked by someone’s flying rage fit.  Only a couple years ago, you actually had to sit down and do research to find people brave enough to talk about these things.  Now, we can’t escape.

One of the greatest blessings of this project was that I stopped feeling isolated.  I found people I could process with, people who understood, people who would teach me, and people who knew how to harness anger in order to move forward with great love and strength, to create epic change and love in the world. Friends began coming to me and saying, “thank you for doing this. I’m so fucking angry all the time. I just never felt allowed to express it.”  This week, 6 artists are flying into Mexico City to join me for an art residency related to the film.  Our intention is to come together, discuss anger, discuss how to build community, explore how to free ourselves from social constraints, how to support others in their desires to live in truth and openness, and how to create action and change for a more beautiful, just world.  It is anger that is bringing us together.  And it is so profoundly powerful and magical.

When Hannah said that we cannot unite in anger, of course I took it personally, because that is the entire mission of my project—to create communities where people feel safe and inspired to stand up for themselves and others in the face of injustice, to be witnessed in their authenticity, and to move forward to create their best lives with the support of others.

If you are angry, sure, you can use that to fuel an agenda of fear and destruction.  You can also use feeling confident and happy in your skin to go cheat on your partner with 50 people.  Emotions are indicators, not actions themselves.  The energy you draw from your emotions can go anywhere you put it. I encourage you to find others when you’re angry.  Find someone healthy to talk to, find groups to join, go see a show that inspires you and helps you imagine worlds of deeper love, greater tolerance, and goddamn it—FUN.

If you are angry, see if you can push to the other side of the voice that says, “SHUT UP.”  Try to invite your anger in.  Listen to it.  Ask your body what it needs to feel relief.  Then find others who support you, and maybe even share your dreams.

If you separate anger from hate, what does that look like?  Does it have its own space?  Can it lay close to feelings like bliss, pleasure, and satisfaction?

My anger does.  And I’m so grateful to the wise, creative folks around me who can hold that, because they know that on the other side is a super badass world of experiences and ideas that we can’t wait to manifest.

Unite in an anger that flows.  Unite in an anger that doesn’t get stuck.  Unite in an anger that gives you energy to create. Unite in an anger that is from love, and leads back to love.  And if you’re not sure how, then unite with people who do so you can find the help you need.

I’m sorry, Hannah, but the brilliance of your work did, in fact, powerfully unite people in anger.  They learned something.  They felt desire to be better people.  They felt love and compassion for you and for themselves. Thank you for that.  That was a gift.  And now you get to move on to something else, which is the whole point. But please don’t dishonor what brought us to this beautiful place of eye-opening and change.

Anger does not have to be suffering.  Anger can be revolution.  For many of us, anger IS revolution.  And the revolution needs you.  I hope to meet you there.